Expectations

My morning routine is my favorite time of day for me. Every aspect of it is relaxing, I feel centered AF when I’m done, and, if we’re being super real, I wish it could go on forever. My routine always consists of:

  • a full French press of coffee (currently transitioning to more decaf because the jitters have been real lately)
  • Check my horoscope (on the millions, aka 4, apps I’m currently using)
  • At least one chapter of whatever book I’m on (always personal development or spirituality type stuff)
  • Meditation (this one I’m not hella great with, I’m most creative in the morning, so my mind is going about fifty miles a minute, but at least I’m trying)
  • Journaling (usually inspired by something I read or saw in my horoscope)

And it was my journal prompt of today that inspired this post.

In my scrolling of instagram last night, I came across a post that had four journal prompts written in it and decided to give them a shot. I’m not very picky when it comes to journal prompts, if they catch my attention, I’m going to answer them, simple as that. These prompts started out pretty harmless, with what are you still holding on to?, I can feel safe by:, I dream of:, and what are the three biggest fears that are holding you back right now?

It was the last one that got me.

I’m usually pretty good at journaling, but sometimes I almost feel like my brain knows exactly what to say so I don’t actually dig too deep. It’s like I’m allowed to dig just deep enough that I can feel like I’ve made a bit of progress, but not deep enough to truly uncover anything. This time really felt no different. My first two fears were easy to come up with: I’m constantly afraid that I don’t have enough financially, and currently, I’m afraid I’m never going to find the clarity in my path that I’m searching for. That third fear took some thinking, but then it came out: I’m afraid I’m going to be forever disappointing myself.

The way I said it was what really hit me: disappointing myself. 

Rather than giving myself grace and compassion as I’m searching for what will truly make me happy and fulfilled in life, I’m viewing myself as a disappointment for not having it figured out already. Instead of actually believing that I’m worthy of taking the time and effort to figure out my true path, I’m upset with myself that it’s taken so long. But why? Where is this coming from? And I started writing.

Very quickly, the reason popped itself onto my page: expectations.

I expected that I would have my life figured out by now. I didn’t expect that I would be sitting here at 27, feeling just as lost as I was. At 21, watching my family members and friends buy houses, build business, and start families. The thing is, my path isn’t bad. I expect other people in their 20’s to take the time to figure out their lives. I expect other people to use this time that they have to experiment and find out what truly works for them. I didn’t expect to not feel that way about myself.

All throughout my life, I’ve had the highest of expectations for everything. Taking a test? Getting an A. Competing in a horse show? First place. Trying out a new hairstyle? Perfect on the first go. Playing a game? For sure winning. I can’t think of a time in my life where I did anything without the expectation of being the best. Not only that, but I can’t remember a time where I handled not being the best with grace.

Dissecting it further, being the best was my shield of armor. If I could just show everyone how good I am at things, then they will see just how worthy I am. But on the flip side of that was when I wasn’t the best, I felt wholly unworthy. Unworthy of love, unworthy of respect, and unworthy of success. My worth as a person was completely tied to my accomplishments, and underneath every action I took was the hope that this success would be the one that would finally make me feel worthy.

When your worth is tied to anything outside of you, you will never feel worthy.

My worth as a person has never changed. As a human being, born into this world, I am inherently worthy of anything and everything I desire, simply by being me. There’s no if’s, and’s, or but’s to that, it’s just the way it is. So why is that so hard to actually and truly believe?

Because it’s not my default.

I grew up with all of the evidence pointing to how unworthy I was. My parents divorced when I was 5, and though that’s not the reason I feel unworthy, it was the cause of every reason I did. After my parent’s divorce, my grandmother never let my dad forget how worthless he was for “failing” at marriage. In turn, my brother and I were also failures because we were raised by one. I wasn’t super feminine as a child, and that was another failure of mine. I was very anxious because I was constantly around energies of unworthiness, and that was also another failure for me. To my grandmother, who I was as a person wasn’t good enough for her. My mom started dating the actual devil because her self esteem was shot after the divorce. He is the laziest man, who never got a job and bled her money dry, while also terrorizing my brother and I for our entire childhoods. My brother left my mom’s house when I was 8, proving to me that I wasn’t worthy of his love. When I left my mom’s house, she chose this man over both of her children, further cementing how unworthy I truly was. It was like every turn I took, I was met with someone who either didn’t like me or didn’t care about me. I was met with feelings of unworthiness everywhere I turned for my entire childhood.

I expected that my successes in life would show everybody just how worthy I was. I mean, I didn’t think that in those exact words, that’s a more recent realization, but everything I did was to prove to everyone exactly how successful I can be. Unfortunately, my “success” was based off of everyone else’s expectations of success, and, no matter how successful I got in everyone’s eyes, it wasn’t enough for me. There was something missing, there just had to be something more.

I realize now, and in my journaling from this morning, that it’s my own expectations that have been holding me back. It’s not realistic for me to become the best of the best immediately, and it’s not serving me to give up before I even really try. It’s not realistic for me to always start something with the expectation that it’s the one, and it’s not serving me to shame myself when it’s not. 

What will serve me is to release my expectations and just fucking live. 

I started this blog with zero expectations of readers, and if no one ever reads it, I’m still happy. This is a place where I’m combining two things that make me happy, writing and exploring, and that’s good enough for me. 

Does that mean I’m not going to give it my all? No way.

Does it mean that I’m not taking this journey or this writing seriously? Nope.

It just means that I’m doing it for me, and with no ulterior motive. No hopes to make it big from a blog, no hopes to become a superstar, just enjoying it.

If you release your expectations, you’ll never be disappointed

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