When I say progress…

I mean it.

This week, I actually have my car to tool around in. My dude is up North for the week, making his dreams come true, so I have the freedom to go where I please. Like most things, it wasn’t this simple: the car needs an oil change and the brake lights went out literally the day before he left. 

Right here, I had two options: I could sit and complain about how unfair my life is or I could stop complaining and do something about it. Much to my surprise, I chose option two.

Instead of complaining that nothing ever goes right, I took myself to AutoZone and bought the brake lights. I watched a five minute youtube video and then spent the next hour in the trunk of my car, yelling at the light bulbs for not coming out as easily as the video showed. I broke both of the old bulbs, got things stuck in sockets, formed a huge blister on my finger, and sweat through my shirt completely. You know what else I did? Changed the damn brake light bulbs myself. 

I don’t think you know, and I wouldn’t expect you to know, the gravity of that moment there. My expectations weren’t met and I changed the circumstance myself. For someone that loves to sit in the lack of personal responsibility realm, this is huge. So what did I do with my bright new brake lights yesterday? Went on a trip and never left my house.

Sometimes, you don’t need to physically go exploring to go on a trip. Sometimes, all you need is the right environment and the right tools. In the past two months, I’ve taken psychedelics three times. The first and last time I was alone, while the second time was in the presence of my amazing fiancé. Each has been profound in what has happened, and each one has been special. 

The first time, I overcame fear. I was alone in my apartment while my dude was up North two months ago and I had just shaved part of my head. I remember asking myself, “why stop there?” And off I went. It was a magical experience, one that I never expected I would have. I was always afraid of what would happen on psychedelics, I was always afraid that I would be the one with the bad trip and that I would regret the decision immediately. Turns out, none of that happened. What did happen was that I appreciated the playfulness of my life. Simple things, like the candle on my table or the painting on my wall, were interesting and fun. It was as though I was playing a game with my life and, for once, there was nothing there but the moment.

The second time, I deepened my relationship. That playfulness and fun of life came out again, and rather than stress about our current situation, we just talked. We talked about life, but not about our goals or ambitions, just about life. We sat outside for hours, enjoying the beauty that we take for granted on a daily basis. We listened to music and viewed it as a whole experience together. We felt the beauty of a fun and carefree life, even just for one day, together.

This time, I wasn’t sure what I was going to receive. I took it on a whim, wanting that beauty and appreciation to fall back into my life. With the psychedelics, I can truly release the stress and worry of my life and just love. There’s no fear, there’s no panic, there’s just pure love and appreciation. I spent time outside, I walked around my apartment complex, I stood on my patio, I sat on my couch with the dogs, I watched some classic TV (for me, at least. Hello Sister, Sister on Netflix!), but most importantly, I flowed. 

At one point, as I was watching TV, I wondered to myself if I was wasting my experience. I wondered if this wasn’t the best use of my current state, but then I realized that not everything needs a reason. There’s no need for me to sit in a contemplative state for hours to “make use” of my state, that’s just an illusion. Whereas every other trip has been about broadening and deepening, this one was very different. This one wasn’t about doing, it was about expectations and being.

Funny enough, the second I dropped the expectation that something profound needed to come from this moment, something did. As I sat there, finishing the journaling that I tried to start at a time that my words didn’t quite make sense, it all made sense. Everything I do is in “search” of something. I’m never ok with just being because I learned at a very young age that just being will always get me hurt. Without further elaboration, it was a holy shit moment, and a moment that illuminated what the purpose of this trip was.

The purpose was to show the importance of my being. I mentioned in my last post that connection may be my one thing to life, and I believe that even more strongly now. My connection to myself, my true self and the pure potentiality of my life, is the secret for me. The problem lies in that I realized I don’t actually believe that I am worthy. And that worthiness runs deep, I’m talking not worthy of just being, worthy of a life free of strain and struggle, and worthy of a life full of happiness, fulfillment, and love. That belief in myself just wasn’t there.

To connect to myself requires a few things. It requires the belief that I am worthy and enough, no matter what. It also requires that I free myself from expectations. These expectations include the ones society has placed on me, and the expectations I have knowingly and unknowingly put on myself. I must release all notion of time, being behind or late, and anxiety and worry. This is a moment where I have two choices: I can sit back and complain that life is so unfair to me that I have so much to change, or I can stop complaining and do something about it.

After seeing that I’m capable of much more than I originally thought (like who thought I could change some damn brake lights?? Not me), I’m choosing option two. This is different than any other choice that I have ever made in my life because it actually involves less doing and more being. 

I end this post just as I did the last “progress” post: I’m not there yet, but I feel so much closer.

Sometimes it’s the trips that never leave the house where you travel the most.

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