Roll with the punches
What will be will be
Que sera sera
However you want to put it, I have never been a fan.
I’m more of a tight grip, white knuckle, I need my control or Ima have a massive freak out sort of girl. I need to know what’s happening, at all times, or it’s actual panic attack city. Surprises are not my thing, the unknown is scary AF, and my plan of action is always a full novel at each step, complete with their own index.
In the past few years, I’ve realized that being a control freak hasn’t helped my life at all, it’s actually just made it much, much worse. The deeper I’ve gone into my own personal development journey, the more I’ve learned that holding on to control as tightly as I have has done nothing but give me anxiety.
One of the foundations of my own coaching is the importance of being in the present moment. Not only is this the only moment you actually have, but it’s the only one that you actually have any control over. As much as you may want to, you can’t change the past and you can’t predict the future. What you can do is be in the moment and take responsibility for your actions, right now. Besides right now, besides what you’re thinking and doing right now, there’s really nothing that you have control over. So why, even though I know this, and even fricken teach it, is it so much easier said than done to just let go?
I think that’s one of the things I’m searching for in this journey of mine: true trust.
I want to be that girl who just has full faith in the universe and that everything is always working out for me. The funny thing is, is that I believe I am that girl, until something goes wrong. I’m a conditional trust in the universe kinda girl right now, and that’s just not good enough for me. I want to be an all in kinda girl.
As I just typed that, it hit me. I’ve never been an all in kinda girl. I’ve always been a conditional type of girl. That lack of trust that I have in the universe is obvious now because it started with a lack of trust in myself. I have never trusted myself to get myself through. When the going got tough, Molly got going. That’s not strictly a fear thing, that’s a confidence thing. I define confidence as believing in yourself more than your fear, and I never have. If I’ve never believed in myself more than fear, how can I expect to believe in anything else more than fear?
I’ve always been waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’ve always been expecting myself to fail and disappoint. Failure is familiar to me. Disappointment is familiar to me. Trust and faith? Completely new concepts. I spent 25 years in conditional, not giving myself even a chance to succeed land, so it takes time and effort to recondition my brain to trust myself.
Hilariously, my favorite part of the ocean is allowing the waves and the flow of the water to carry me. I don’t stress or strain, I let the water do it’s thing, take me where I go, and I happily allow it. In nature, I’m at peace. There’s no control, I understand that nature flows without my assistance, so there’s no need. Nature is beautiful, abundant, and allowing. Nature doesn’t worry, nature doesn’t white knuckle control, even in times of struggle, nature finds a way (thanks for the inspo there, Jeff Goldblum).
The more I go and explore, the more I’m reminded how opposite of nature modern society is. Maybe the reason that I have had so much anxiety is because I’ve been so disconnected from my exploring, and the beauty of nature. Maybe if I hadn’t let the fear of the world stop me from my love of nature, I wouldn’t have lived the panic filled life I did. Coulda, shoulda, woulda, I can’t control the past, so I just have the pleasure of using lessons from the past to change my future.
I used to have a very specific set of goals, complete with steps to get there and strict deadlines. I used to have a very specific vision of what my future looked like. I used to struggle and strain against the flow of change in order to maintain my vision.
Now? I just have an idea. My goals include finding clarity in my path, moving to Maine (that one I’m specific with, but the specifics of that goal are undefined), and living a life of happiness, passion, and fulfillment.
I’m already going with the flow much more than I ever have in the past. I believe that my desires and goals will be met in the perfect way for me. I believe that I am going to live a beautiful life for the rest of it.
But, the only way for me to get from where I am now to where I want to be is to trust that I’m on the right path.
Trust that everything I’m doing is exactly what I should be.
Flow with the changes and new directions and opportunities that I’m being presented with.
Allow the universe to guide me to abundance and perfect harmony just as it guides nature.
No resistance, no control, no anxiety,
As a piece of nature, I just flow