The Pursuit of Purpose

Uncovering my purpose is something I’ve been trying to do for years. Since I started college, where I spent most of my time wondering what major I should pick because none of them sounded like something for me, I’ve been on the pursuit for my purpose. For the majority of that search, I’ve come to the same conclusion: I don’t know what my purpose is, but I know this ain’t it.

At every point that I thought that, I felt like I was one step closer, but still so many steps off. It was like, if one percent of the purpose was right, the other 99 were super off. Once I changed that one, another one was right, where 99 was still off. Every single time I shifted, one thing remained: I wanted to help people.

Everything that I have attempted in my life has been to either help people or make them happy. I went into fitness initially because it was easy for me to get an A, and therefore not have to panic about school as much as I would otherwise, but I stayed working as a personal trainer because I was genuinely changing my client’s lives for the better. That aspect, of being a facilitator in improving someone’s life, was enough for me to stay in that career for years. Unfortunately, with my own self confidence and body image issues fighting each other constantly, in a career that amplifies that, it wasn’t enough that I was helping in this way. As I grew, and as the way my body looked became more of a point of contention in my life, I wasn’t ok helping people in this way. It dawned on me that if I, the professional, was having issues with my mental health stemming from my body, that my clients probably did too. 

From fitness, I shifted to a more holistic health approach, but something was still off. I didn’t know what it was, just that my entire body and mind were resisting the direction I was going in 1000%. I shifted to baking, which is in the entirely opposite direction. The thought behind that was that baking makes me happy, so it may make others happy too. That one was definitely more of a hobby than a purpose, but I love it nonetheless. 

Every single shift that I have made in my life path has one thing in common: the drive behind it is to make someone’s life better.

After so many shifts, I’ve ended up here. At this point in my life, I think I may have figured it out, even though I didn’t feel that way three months ago. Three months ago, I felt such a resistance to my path that I wanted to quit. I felt such a resistance to coaching, even though I love my clients and watching their growth and progress. I felt such a resistance to putting myself out there for my business, even though my reach was growing. It was everything I wanted, but all of a sudden it was the exact opposite. It was the same song and dance as every other time I felt this resistance and shifted in my life. 

This time was different though. Instead of shifting, I simply took a step back. I didn’t want to ultimately change my course, I just wanted to uncover the source of the resistance. It took months of deep, uncomfortable digging, but I found the limiting beliefs that were the cause of my self sabotage. When everything started to fall into place, my limiting beliefs screamed into my subconscious  “you’re not deserving of this, it won’t last and you will fail.” All I was able to feel was fear, and I didn’t know why. I couldn’t hear the words that were being poured into my head until I made it my mission to find out.

Since finding these words, hearing them, and learning where they came from, they’ve stopped. The fear I felt so strongly a few months ago has almost disappeared. I don’t feel the confusion surrounding my purpose anymore, I feel strong in it. This is because it was never my purpose that I was resisting, it was my growth. I have grown, allowing my purpose to grow and evolve with me. It became stronger and stronger as I grew closer to it’s true meaning, igniting nothing but fear. My purpose is still to be a light worker, and to guide others out of their darkness and into their light.

When you find something that clicks to you and lights you up, stick with it.

When you find something that you don’t understand why you’re called to it but you just are, pursue it.

When you find something you just can’t stop thinking about and gets you all excited, try it.

Your purpose will just make sense to you, even if you don’t understand it right away. It will ignite a fire into your soul that is the driving force of your life. It may take you years to find it, but I promise you, it’s out there, and the effort you put into finding it will be worth it. You were not put on this earth as a mistake, there is a very real reason for you to be alive at this very moment. There is a very real reason that you are reading these words right now. Nothing is coincidental, and your purpose is out there.

When you find your purpose and pursue it, that fire it burns within you will burn out to smolder eventually. When that happens, it’s not because the fire is gone, it’s because it needs some attention. It may need more kindling, it may need more air, it may need less wind.

Whatever the reason being, don’t abandon the fire pit. Instead, find the reason that the flames went out, and do the work you need to do to be able to stoke the flames again.

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