When I say progress…

When I say progress…

I mean it.

This week, I actually have my car to tool around in. My dude is up North for the week, making his dreams come true, so I have the freedom to go where I please. Like most things, it wasn’t this simple: the car needs an oil change and the brake lights went out literally the day before he left. 

Right here, I had two options: I could sit and complain about how unfair my life is or I could stop complaining and do something about it. Much to my surprise, I chose option two.

Instead of complaining that nothing ever goes right, I took myself to AutoZone and bought the brake lights. I watched a five minute youtube video and then spent the next hour in the trunk of my car, yelling at the light bulbs for not coming out as easily as the video showed. I broke both of the old bulbs, got things stuck in sockets, formed a huge blister on my finger, and sweat through my shirt completely. You know what else I did? Changed the damn brake light bulbs myself. 

I don’t think you know, and I wouldn’t expect you to know, the gravity of that moment there. My expectations weren’t met and I changed the circumstance myself. For someone that loves to sit in the lack of personal responsibility realm, this is huge. So what did I do with my bright new brake lights yesterday? Went on a trip and never left my house.

Sometimes, you don’t need to physically go exploring to go on a trip. Sometimes, all you need is the right environment and the right tools. In the past two months, I’ve taken psychedelics three times. The first and last time I was alone, while the second time was in the presence of my amazing fiancé. Each has been profound in what has happened, and each one has been special. 

The first time, I overcame fear. I was alone in my apartment while my dude was up North two months ago and I had just shaved part of my head. I remember asking myself, “why stop there?” And off I went. It was a magical experience, one that I never expected I would have. I was always afraid of what would happen on psychedelics, I was always afraid that I would be the one with the bad trip and that I would regret the decision immediately. Turns out, none of that happened. What did happen was that I appreciated the playfulness of my life. Simple things, like the candle on my table or the painting on my wall, were interesting and fun. It was as though I was playing a game with my life and, for once, there was nothing there but the moment.

The second time, I deepened my relationship. That playfulness and fun of life came out again, and rather than stress about our current situation, we just talked. We talked about life, but not about our goals or ambitions, just about life. We sat outside for hours, enjoying the beauty that we take for granted on a daily basis. We listened to music and viewed it as a whole experience together. We felt the beauty of a fun and carefree life, even just for one day, together.

This time, I wasn’t sure what I was going to receive. I took it on a whim, wanting that beauty and appreciation to fall back into my life. With the psychedelics, I can truly release the stress and worry of my life and just love. There’s no fear, there’s no panic, there’s just pure love and appreciation. I spent time outside, I walked around my apartment complex, I stood on my patio, I sat on my couch with the dogs, I watched some classic TV (for me, at least. Hello Sister, Sister on Netflix!), but most importantly, I flowed. 

At one point, as I was watching TV, I wondered to myself if I was wasting my experience. I wondered if this wasn’t the best use of my current state, but then I realized that not everything needs a reason. There’s no need for me to sit in a contemplative state for hours to “make use” of my state, that’s just an illusion. Whereas every other trip has been about broadening and deepening, this one was very different. This one wasn’t about doing, it was about expectations and being.

Funny enough, the second I dropped the expectation that something profound needed to come from this moment, something did. As I sat there, finishing the journaling that I tried to start at a time that my words didn’t quite make sense, it all made sense. Everything I do is in “search” of something. I’m never ok with just being because I learned at a very young age that just being will always get me hurt. Without further elaboration, it was a holy shit moment, and a moment that illuminated what the purpose of this trip was.

The purpose was to show the importance of my being. I mentioned in my last post that connection may be my one thing to life, and I believe that even more strongly now. My connection to myself, my true self and the pure potentiality of my life, is the secret for me. The problem lies in that I realized I don’t actually believe that I am worthy. And that worthiness runs deep, I’m talking not worthy of just being, worthy of a life free of strain and struggle, and worthy of a life full of happiness, fulfillment, and love. That belief in myself just wasn’t there.

To connect to myself requires a few things. It requires the belief that I am worthy and enough, no matter what. It also requires that I free myself from expectations. These expectations include the ones society has placed on me, and the expectations I have knowingly and unknowingly put on myself. I must release all notion of time, being behind or late, and anxiety and worry. This is a moment where I have two choices: I can sit back and complain that life is so unfair to me that I have so much to change, or I can stop complaining and do something about it.

After seeing that I’m capable of much more than I originally thought (like who thought I could change some damn brake lights?? Not me), I’m choosing option two. This is different than any other choice that I have ever made in my life because it actually involves less doing and more being. 

I end this post just as I did the last “progress” post: I’m not there yet, but I feel so much closer.

Sometimes it’s the trips that never leave the house where you travel the most.

Progress

Over the weekend, some big shifts and realizations were made, y’all.

I went to the beach with my dude and my puppers on Saturday. I love taking my dogs to the beach, they just love the adventure and they so deserve a few hours of just fun, as a reward for sitting in the apartment the rest of the time. (I feel their pain there, ya know??) 

But, as fun as the beach is for the puppers, it tends to be very stressful for Craig and I when we take them. We love our dogs, and they are relatively well behaved, but any sense of training they’ve ever had goes straight out the window when they hit the beach. They pull, they jump, they whine, and they go absolutely nuts for other dogs. This is usually a pretty big problem because, hello, we’re at a dog beach.

This time, though, was different. There was some pulling and some barking and some whining, but they were pretty calm with the other dogs running around. My little beagle lady, Lilo, and I just sat in the shallow water near the shore, and watched Craig and the big boy, Bane, play in the water. 

As I was sitting there in the water, I wasn’t anxious or nervous. I wasn’t worried about other dogs running up and our dogs panicking. I wasn’t worried about my day to day life or any other struggles I’m having right now. I was just there. Sitting in the water, enjoying the hell out of the beautiful time I was spending with my father, and I was simply being.

The more I take myself out of my house and to other places, the easier I’m finding myself relaxing. The disconnect from stress and worry is becoming easier and easier, and the connection to the present moment is becoming easier too. As I sat down to meditate when we got back from the beach and cleaned up, I slipped right into a trance like state almost immediately, which is not normally the case. Usually, it’s a battle between myself and my mind, trying my hardest to calm my thoughts down, and my mind straight up saying no. I don’t always feel connected to myself or the universe right away in meditation, and sometimes I feel like I may be wasting my time. 

But not recently. 

Right now, I feel like I’m making progress. I feel like I’m understanding more and more what life is actually all about. I feel like I’m able to disconnect myself from the chaos of the world and connect to the world that’s inside me. 

And I think I understand what my one thing is: connection.

Unfortunately for me, just like with the brake light bulb replacement that ended up being so much harder than I thought, finding what my one thing is isn’t the end of the journey, it’s actually much harder than I thought.

When I say connection being my one thing, the rest of Curly’s saying “the meaning to life is one thing,” I mean that the meaning to my life is found in connection. 

In connecting down to the deepest depths of my being, I’ll find my one thing. 

In connecting to all beings from here to all corners of the earth, I’ll find my one thing.

In connecting to the wonders and wisdom of the universe and it’s mysticism, I’ll find my one thing.

So yes, I’ve made progress here. When I said out loud that my one thing was connection, and again when I just typed it out, I felt an energy course through my body. It was almost like the universe’s way of agreeing, and giving me the sensation that I’ve found the next step. It’s in these next steps that I’ll find what I’m ultimately looking for, in deepening my connection.

So that’s where my focus lies right now, in deepening all of my connections.

For myself, that means less TV and social media, and more awareness and exploring my depths. I get sucked into the world of Facebook and Instagram easily, and love to be entertained, which means the TV can be on for hours and hours. I know for a fact how detrimental multitasking can be for your awareness and overall stress and anxiety, but man if it isn’t easier that way. I allow myself to slip into habits where I do anything but listen to myself., which means TV in the background, scrolling through the social media on autopilot, and eating way too many treats.

In order to connect to myself, I must allow my inner voice and guidance space to be heard. Meditation and journaling are already in my routine, but I am recommitting to fully immersing myself in the experience of the two exercises, rather than just doing them to check off a box. 

I am also recommitting to reconnecting back to my physical body. I spent so many years of my life solely focusing on my physical body that, recently, it’s been the last thing I want to focus on. Unfortunately, I have been feeling the effects of too many months of “treat yo’self” coming back to haunt me. Reconnecting back to myself is not just mental and spiritual, but also physical. Nourishing my body with fruits and vegetables rather than treats, and moving my body out of love are two ways I am recommitting to my physical body.

For the world around me, that means looking into volunteering opportunities. It means less judgement and more acceptance. It means less complaining about circumstances around me, and more doing to actually fix them.

For the universe, it means focusing on the beauty in my life, rather than the worries and fears.

All fear does is disconnect you from the present. Fear swoops you out of the current moment and into the pain of the future that you have yet to experience. Fear scoops you from the present and transports you back to the pain of the present that you have already experienced. None of this matters. 

All that matters is right here and right now, and it is beautiful.

Week One Ts&Rs

Week One Ts&Rs

Ts&Rs?? Thoughts and Reflections, babe!

I didn’t have a car, but ya girl found ways to get around!

This was a solid week for exploring Molly, much more so than the first few days at least. 

On Tuesday, the original plan was to take my man to work and then take the car to go explore. Unfortunately, with his wild schedule, there was no way to guarantee I could come snag him with my client calls, so I had to ixnay that idea. The plan then changed to Thursday being my day that I can steal the car, so I figured I was stuck in the house all day. Lo and behold, my best friend came through big time today. She was heading to the Zoo with the adorable little boy she babysits, and I was invited to tag along.

Even though I was still not really free, between being picked up and having to watch what I say around a small child, I felt much more free and abundant than I have in weeks. It was amazing to get out of the house. It was incredible to have the freedom to take a spontaneous trip to the zoo before my work starts. It was so great to see all of the animals (and get to interact with them! I fed stingrays, y’all!). It was so cute to watch this little boy, as shy as he was around me, enjoy seeing all of the animals that you don’t get to see every day. Everything about it was perfect.

On Wednesday, I ventured out to the beach. With the full moon in Pisces happening the night before, the beach just seemed like the place to be, and I was right. 

Indian Rocks beach is my all time favorite beach. It’s only about 15 minutes further than the best beach in America, Clearwater Beach, but it is way more my vibe. I like to think of it as the local best beach in America, and it did not let me down today.

With children being back in school, virtual or not, the beach was dead. I could count the number of people on the beach around us on one hand, and that’s really the way I like it. The beach is my calm place. I love hearing the sound of the waves, floating in the flow of the ocean, and the beauty of the shells that litter the beach, it’s all just a perfect flow. I was able to sit in the ocean for almost two hours, floating up and down with the waves, and feeling like I was connected with Mother Nature as I bobbed. It was fantastic.

My thoughts from this week are that I have so much to fucking learn.

In the past year I have done so much, grown through so much, and pushed so hard towards something that I don’t feel connected to anymore. I am realizing that there is so. Much. More out there for me, and I haven’t even scraped the surface. My purpose may still be the same, but the way I fulfill that purpose may be totally different from how I was expecting. As a recovering control freak (listen y’all, I’m trying), I am still in the process of coming to terms with the fact that I will never know the exact path that I will take in realizing my purpose. This awakening moment, and starting out on this journey to more, has more than shown that.

In the past two weeks, I have realized that the life I am dreaming of is completely different from the life I once thought I wanted. 

My word for September is allow. This journey has more than proven that to be true. I am open to allowing my path to unfold as it does. I am open to allowing the uncertainty of my path to show me the way. I am open to allowing myself to change and adapt as I continue to learn and grow. I allow my path to be shown in due time, and I trust that I’m exactly where I should be.

I’m excited for the adventures my life holds. I see how different just the intention to explore and live makes my life, and I can’t wait to continue to explore, learn, and grow. This was a solid first week, and we’re just getting started.

And we’re off! Sort of…

And we’re off! Sort of…

During the week, my exploring and adventuring is limited.

I share a car with my fiancé, and he works Monday through Friday, 8-4 at the very earliest, with a 40 minute drive home. I go for a walk around my neighborhood and go sit by the lake in my apartment complex, but that’s the extent of the exploring during the week. Weekday adventuring will be something that I have to plan and prepare for, and since this is my first week of living life looking for more, I wasn’t prepared.

Turns out, I wasn’t really prepared for the weekend either.

I assumed that it would be easy to go out and do some exploring. I mean, I have the car, I have the time, I’m ready to rock and roll, right?

Something I wasn’t expecting to experience: I don’t really know how to explore anymore.

What do you do? Do you just get in the car and drive? Do you have a destination in mind? Do you just see where the drive takes you? What do I do with my hands right now? I was thinking I could just get out of the house and go onwards to adventure, but I realized pretty quickly that either I’m overthinking it or I’m underprepared (And let’s be real, it’s probably both)

In thinking about it, there’s three types of exploring really: the long trips, the day trips and the spontaneous drives.

The long trips are your overnighters. The road trips out of state, the plane rides, anything where you sleep not at your house, those are all overnighters. The goal is to get these into rotation soon, but we are not even close to there yet. As Bob Wiley says in What About Bob?: baby steps.

And on that note, many of my references are going to come from 80’s movies because my dude is an 80’s babe through and through. He loves his Bill Murray, Tom Hanks, and Jon Hughes, so we watch them a lot. I love me some comedy, so expect plenty of those references as well. I pretty much can live my life through movie quotes.

Anyways, segue number one out of the way and we’re back to the types of exploring.

The day trips are those destinations you can hit up in a few hours and still be back to sleep in your own bed. In Florida, there’s plenty of day trip places, but you still need to prepare to go to them. Wake up early, pack some food, have a day free, etc. The beaches are only about 30 minutes away from me, but I was not prepared for that today either. It was 10am, I had to be back by 1pm, and this was just a quick little trip.

Which brings us to today’s adventures: the spontaneous drive.

This is when you just get in the car and go. Maybe you have a destination in mind or maybe you just drive through the streets of your neighborhood and look at the houses. 

Today, I used an app called Randonautica to guide me. And yall, this app is so ridiculously cool. It works through quantum points, which I cannot explain anymore about because I am not a quantum physicist, I’m a chick who likes the mystical and unexplainable. It doesn’t mean I can explain it. Basically, you tell the app your location and you focus really strongly on your intent (aka what it is you’re looking to see) and it plots a point on your map based on that. 

If you’re reading this and second guessing it, I totally get it. But y’all, it works. It’s shown my fiancé and I things relating to us that we can’t even begin to explain, and it’s almost like a treasure hunt because yes, it gives you an exact point, but that doesn’t mean it’s right there. It takes some digging to find exactly what it’s trying to show you.

For my first solo Randonautica experience, I decided to stick to the car. I didn’t want to be getting out and walking through people’s yards and other places by myself, so I kept it light. I went to four different points and drove around for about an hour. It was nice to get out of the house and feel like I have a sense of freedom. It wasn’t the grand adventure that I’m so desperately wanting to find, but it was a solid first day.

For next week, I’m going to plan a day trip for the weekend, and try to get in some random drives throughout the week. My main focus right now is not to find myself and the meaning of life right away, though it would be nice, but to get back into the groove of exploring and learn to be comfortable not knowing where I am or where I’m going.