When I say progress…

When I say progress…

I mean it.

This week, I actually have my car to tool around in. My dude is up North for the week, making his dreams come true, so I have the freedom to go where I please. Like most things, it wasn’t this simple: the car needs an oil change and the brake lights went out literally the day before he left. 

Right here, I had two options: I could sit and complain about how unfair my life is or I could stop complaining and do something about it. Much to my surprise, I chose option two.

Instead of complaining that nothing ever goes right, I took myself to AutoZone and bought the brake lights. I watched a five minute youtube video and then spent the next hour in the trunk of my car, yelling at the light bulbs for not coming out as easily as the video showed. I broke both of the old bulbs, got things stuck in sockets, formed a huge blister on my finger, and sweat through my shirt completely. You know what else I did? Changed the damn brake light bulbs myself. 

I don’t think you know, and I wouldn’t expect you to know, the gravity of that moment there. My expectations weren’t met and I changed the circumstance myself. For someone that loves to sit in the lack of personal responsibility realm, this is huge. So what did I do with my bright new brake lights yesterday? Went on a trip and never left my house.

Sometimes, you don’t need to physically go exploring to go on a trip. Sometimes, all you need is the right environment and the right tools. In the past two months, I’ve taken psychedelics three times. The first and last time I was alone, while the second time was in the presence of my amazing fiancé. Each has been profound in what has happened, and each one has been special. 

The first time, I overcame fear. I was alone in my apartment while my dude was up North two months ago and I had just shaved part of my head. I remember asking myself, “why stop there?” And off I went. It was a magical experience, one that I never expected I would have. I was always afraid of what would happen on psychedelics, I was always afraid that I would be the one with the bad trip and that I would regret the decision immediately. Turns out, none of that happened. What did happen was that I appreciated the playfulness of my life. Simple things, like the candle on my table or the painting on my wall, were interesting and fun. It was as though I was playing a game with my life and, for once, there was nothing there but the moment.

The second time, I deepened my relationship. That playfulness and fun of life came out again, and rather than stress about our current situation, we just talked. We talked about life, but not about our goals or ambitions, just about life. We sat outside for hours, enjoying the beauty that we take for granted on a daily basis. We listened to music and viewed it as a whole experience together. We felt the beauty of a fun and carefree life, even just for one day, together.

This time, I wasn’t sure what I was going to receive. I took it on a whim, wanting that beauty and appreciation to fall back into my life. With the psychedelics, I can truly release the stress and worry of my life and just love. There’s no fear, there’s no panic, there’s just pure love and appreciation. I spent time outside, I walked around my apartment complex, I stood on my patio, I sat on my couch with the dogs, I watched some classic TV (for me, at least. Hello Sister, Sister on Netflix!), but most importantly, I flowed. 

At one point, as I was watching TV, I wondered to myself if I was wasting my experience. I wondered if this wasn’t the best use of my current state, but then I realized that not everything needs a reason. There’s no need for me to sit in a contemplative state for hours to “make use” of my state, that’s just an illusion. Whereas every other trip has been about broadening and deepening, this one was very different. This one wasn’t about doing, it was about expectations and being.

Funny enough, the second I dropped the expectation that something profound needed to come from this moment, something did. As I sat there, finishing the journaling that I tried to start at a time that my words didn’t quite make sense, it all made sense. Everything I do is in “search” of something. I’m never ok with just being because I learned at a very young age that just being will always get me hurt. Without further elaboration, it was a holy shit moment, and a moment that illuminated what the purpose of this trip was.

The purpose was to show the importance of my being. I mentioned in my last post that connection may be my one thing to life, and I believe that even more strongly now. My connection to myself, my true self and the pure potentiality of my life, is the secret for me. The problem lies in that I realized I don’t actually believe that I am worthy. And that worthiness runs deep, I’m talking not worthy of just being, worthy of a life free of strain and struggle, and worthy of a life full of happiness, fulfillment, and love. That belief in myself just wasn’t there.

To connect to myself requires a few things. It requires the belief that I am worthy and enough, no matter what. It also requires that I free myself from expectations. These expectations include the ones society has placed on me, and the expectations I have knowingly and unknowingly put on myself. I must release all notion of time, being behind or late, and anxiety and worry. This is a moment where I have two choices: I can sit back and complain that life is so unfair to me that I have so much to change, or I can stop complaining and do something about it.

After seeing that I’m capable of much more than I originally thought (like who thought I could change some damn brake lights?? Not me), I’m choosing option two. This is different than any other choice that I have ever made in my life because it actually involves less doing and more being. 

I end this post just as I did the last “progress” post: I’m not there yet, but I feel so much closer.

Sometimes it’s the trips that never leave the house where you travel the most.

Progress

Over the weekend, some big shifts and realizations were made, y’all.

I went to the beach with my dude and my puppers on Saturday. I love taking my dogs to the beach, they just love the adventure and they so deserve a few hours of just fun, as a reward for sitting in the apartment the rest of the time. (I feel their pain there, ya know??) 

But, as fun as the beach is for the puppers, it tends to be very stressful for Craig and I when we take them. We love our dogs, and they are relatively well behaved, but any sense of training they’ve ever had goes straight out the window when they hit the beach. They pull, they jump, they whine, and they go absolutely nuts for other dogs. This is usually a pretty big problem because, hello, we’re at a dog beach.

This time, though, was different. There was some pulling and some barking and some whining, but they were pretty calm with the other dogs running around. My little beagle lady, Lilo, and I just sat in the shallow water near the shore, and watched Craig and the big boy, Bane, play in the water. 

As I was sitting there in the water, I wasn’t anxious or nervous. I wasn’t worried about other dogs running up and our dogs panicking. I wasn’t worried about my day to day life or any other struggles I’m having right now. I was just there. Sitting in the water, enjoying the hell out of the beautiful time I was spending with my father, and I was simply being.

The more I take myself out of my house and to other places, the easier I’m finding myself relaxing. The disconnect from stress and worry is becoming easier and easier, and the connection to the present moment is becoming easier too. As I sat down to meditate when we got back from the beach and cleaned up, I slipped right into a trance like state almost immediately, which is not normally the case. Usually, it’s a battle between myself and my mind, trying my hardest to calm my thoughts down, and my mind straight up saying no. I don’t always feel connected to myself or the universe right away in meditation, and sometimes I feel like I may be wasting my time. 

But not recently. 

Right now, I feel like I’m making progress. I feel like I’m understanding more and more what life is actually all about. I feel like I’m able to disconnect myself from the chaos of the world and connect to the world that’s inside me. 

And I think I understand what my one thing is: connection.

Unfortunately for me, just like with the brake light bulb replacement that ended up being so much harder than I thought, finding what my one thing is isn’t the end of the journey, it’s actually much harder than I thought.

When I say connection being my one thing, the rest of Curly’s saying “the meaning to life is one thing,” I mean that the meaning to my life is found in connection. 

In connecting down to the deepest depths of my being, I’ll find my one thing. 

In connecting to all beings from here to all corners of the earth, I’ll find my one thing.

In connecting to the wonders and wisdom of the universe and it’s mysticism, I’ll find my one thing.

So yes, I’ve made progress here. When I said out loud that my one thing was connection, and again when I just typed it out, I felt an energy course through my body. It was almost like the universe’s way of agreeing, and giving me the sensation that I’ve found the next step. It’s in these next steps that I’ll find what I’m ultimately looking for, in deepening my connection.

So that’s where my focus lies right now, in deepening all of my connections.

For myself, that means less TV and social media, and more awareness and exploring my depths. I get sucked into the world of Facebook and Instagram easily, and love to be entertained, which means the TV can be on for hours and hours. I know for a fact how detrimental multitasking can be for your awareness and overall stress and anxiety, but man if it isn’t easier that way. I allow myself to slip into habits where I do anything but listen to myself., which means TV in the background, scrolling through the social media on autopilot, and eating way too many treats.

In order to connect to myself, I must allow my inner voice and guidance space to be heard. Meditation and journaling are already in my routine, but I am recommitting to fully immersing myself in the experience of the two exercises, rather than just doing them to check off a box. 

I am also recommitting to reconnecting back to my physical body. I spent so many years of my life solely focusing on my physical body that, recently, it’s been the last thing I want to focus on. Unfortunately, I have been feeling the effects of too many months of “treat yo’self” coming back to haunt me. Reconnecting back to myself is not just mental and spiritual, but also physical. Nourishing my body with fruits and vegetables rather than treats, and moving my body out of love are two ways I am recommitting to my physical body.

For the world around me, that means looking into volunteering opportunities. It means less judgement and more acceptance. It means less complaining about circumstances around me, and more doing to actually fix them.

For the universe, it means focusing on the beauty in my life, rather than the worries and fears.

All fear does is disconnect you from the present. Fear swoops you out of the current moment and into the pain of the future that you have yet to experience. Fear scoops you from the present and transports you back to the pain of the present that you have already experienced. None of this matters. 

All that matters is right here and right now, and it is beautiful.

Weekly Ts&Rs

Weekly Ts&Rs

Last Saturday, I got to go adventure with my dude. Our first real date, almost three years ago, was kayaking. In the past three years, we’ve gone to the beach, we’ve taken the dogs, we’ve gone on road trips together, but we’re only gone back kayaking once. Until Saturday when we finally went back on the water together.

There’s nothing like floating on the water, just basking in the sun. You’re flowing with the current, the waves, and the tide, and you just feel like one with the water. I was relaxed, I was happy, I was at total and complete peace. To make it even better, I was at total peace with the love of my life. In those few hours on the water, I felt like I had almost figured it out. It was the closest to pure happiness that I think I’ve ever felt, it just felt right.

Along with kayaking on Saturday, I went to my other happy place on Wednesday: Disney! One of my absolute favorite things about living in FL, along with being so close to the water, is being just as close to Disney World. There’s something about Disney that just makes you feel like a kid again, and gives you that sense of carefree, full body happiness. I’m grateful for my annual pass, which allows me to visit the parks without straining the wallet, and my best friend for loving Disney just as much as I do.

We went to Hollywood Studios and spent the day sweating our butts off, but having a blast. The newest ride to open at Disney is a Star Wars based ride, with about 13 different hoops to jump through just to reserve a spot for it, but guess who made it happen? We did. The ride was nothing like I had ever experienced before, it was completely immersive and an actual experience, not just a ride. It allowed me to truly release any stress or worry I had been carrying with me, and I just enjoyed the hell out of it.

I’ve been noticing that the more I focus on my happiness, and what my higher self is calling me to do, the more I want to work. But I have no desire to be on social media. I have no desire to further my social media presence right now. What I’ve learned from my time at the beach and on the water, which is where I’ve felt the most at peace, is to flow, just like the water around me. Rather than swim against the current, and try to force myself to pursue something that I’m not energetically behind right now, I’m allowing the tide of my energy to take me to where I want to be.

Right now, the tide of my life has taken me to do exactly what I’m doing right now. I want to write, I want to sit in front of the computer for hours at the beginning of the day and watch the words flow. I want to spill the words that fly around my brain onto the page, and I want to use these words to inspire and change lives. With each day, I can feel that I’m getting closer and closer to my one thing. I won’t say I’m there yet, not at all, and I won’t say that I’m even close, but I feel myself getting closer to it.

The only limit is…

The only limit is…

One of my favorite quotes is “the only thing to fear is fear itself.” I think I’ve actually already used the quote in a post of this baby of a blog, only having what? Four posts? That’s how you know it’s real love, baby. 

But anyways, that quote got me thinking. If the only thing to fear is fear itself, is the only limit we have, the limit itself? 

Like, is there any actual limit in my life or have I put the limit on myself? Is there any sort of limit in this world or is that just a myth? Are we truly limitless?

I would love to believe that we are truly limitless in this life. But at the same time, I don’t want to believe that because, if we’re truly limitless, then what’s my fucking excuse? What’s been stopping me from creating the life of my dreams? It pains me to type this sentence because I know the answer: myself.

I struggle so hard with limits because, even though I know they are self imposed and not real, I can’t help but see them everywhere.

  • I want to go explore but I don’t have a car.
  • I want to travel but I don’t have the money.
  • I want so much from my life but I just feel so stuck.

Y’all, I’m grateful for my life. I have so much love and support surrounding me at all times. I’m safe, I’m secure, I have a fantastic relationship, my dogs are bomb as hell, I have a great life. I have so much to be thankful for, and I am, every single day. They say that the secret to building the life of your dreams is being grateful for what you have. And I am, I promise you that. 

So, I’m grateful as hell. I believe that, at my core, I am limitless in what I can create from my life. I believe that a life of happiness, excitement, and fulfillment is inevitable for me. On paper, I have the perfect recipe for success. So, like what the hell? Where’s it at??

Maybe I’m just impatient. Maybe the limits I feel in my life aren’t all that real. As I’m looking at that list above, there’s ways to get around every single thing on there. It’s a matter of how much I want it. It’s a matter of how ALL IN I truly am in creating the life of my dreams.

I believe, for the past few weeks at least, I’ve been ALL IN. I’ve been putting in the effort to enjoy my life, and I have been. I’ve been on more adventures in the past three weeks than I have in three years. I’ve been making time for the things that truly matter to me, which are my relationships with my dude, my friends, and myself, and loving it. I’ve felt my stress and anxiety decrease in the past few days. I feel the progress.

I’m just impatient as hell. That’s my limit right there: impatience. I want it all but I want it now, and if it takes too long, I don’t want it anymore. I always love the saying “momma didn’t raise no quitter” because mine did. In my life, I have quit SO many things, simply because they got hard or I got impatient. I wonder how much I’ve missed out on because I didn’t give it a fighting chance. I refuse to continue to identify as a quitter, because even if momma raised one, I’ve changed, and I ain’t no quitter anymore. I refuse to let my impatience be my limit.

But when I think about it, there’s no way that I’m alone in having impatience be my main limit. I know for a fact that, especially with the modern culture of instant gratification, impatience plagues more of us than we’d like to admit. I wonder if the limit that stops so many from hitting that sweet spot that they’re looking for is just self imposed impatience. What could we accomplish if we just held on a little longer and kept pushing? 

I’m on the right path though, I feel it. I feel the progress in finding clarity in my path. I feel the excitement coming back into my life, even in ways I thought I lost it. I feel the confidence sneaking it’s way back into my life. I feel the clouds doing their best to part to give me my clarity, as long as I keep on going. It’s on its way.

I am not impatient.

I trust that everything I could ever want is on it’s way to me.

I trust in divine timing being my guide.

I am limitless

Expectations

Expectations

My morning routine is my favorite time of day for me. Every aspect of it is relaxing, I feel centered AF when I’m done, and, if we’re being super real, I wish it could go on forever. My routine always consists of:

  • a full French press of coffee (currently transitioning to more decaf because the jitters have been real lately)
  • Check my horoscope (on the millions, aka 4, apps I’m currently using)
  • At least one chapter of whatever book I’m on (always personal development or spirituality type stuff)
  • Meditation (this one I’m not hella great with, I’m most creative in the morning, so my mind is going about fifty miles a minute, but at least I’m trying)
  • Journaling (usually inspired by something I read or saw in my horoscope)

And it was my journal prompt of today that inspired this post.

In my scrolling of instagram last night, I came across a post that had four journal prompts written in it and decided to give them a shot. I’m not very picky when it comes to journal prompts, if they catch my attention, I’m going to answer them, simple as that. These prompts started out pretty harmless, with what are you still holding on to?, I can feel safe by:, I dream of:, and what are the three biggest fears that are holding you back right now?

It was the last one that got me.

I’m usually pretty good at journaling, but sometimes I almost feel like my brain knows exactly what to say so I don’t actually dig too deep. It’s like I’m allowed to dig just deep enough that I can feel like I’ve made a bit of progress, but not deep enough to truly uncover anything. This time really felt no different. My first two fears were easy to come up with: I’m constantly afraid that I don’t have enough financially, and currently, I’m afraid I’m never going to find the clarity in my path that I’m searching for. That third fear took some thinking, but then it came out: I’m afraid I’m going to be forever disappointing myself.

The way I said it was what really hit me: disappointing myself. 

Rather than giving myself grace and compassion as I’m searching for what will truly make me happy and fulfilled in life, I’m viewing myself as a disappointment for not having it figured out already. Instead of actually believing that I’m worthy of taking the time and effort to figure out my true path, I’m upset with myself that it’s taken so long. But why? Where is this coming from? And I started writing.

Very quickly, the reason popped itself onto my page: expectations.

I expected that I would have my life figured out by now. I didn’t expect that I would be sitting here at 27, feeling just as lost as I was. At 21, watching my family members and friends buy houses, build business, and start families. The thing is, my path isn’t bad. I expect other people in their 20’s to take the time to figure out their lives. I expect other people to use this time that they have to experiment and find out what truly works for them. I didn’t expect to not feel that way about myself.

All throughout my life, I’ve had the highest of expectations for everything. Taking a test? Getting an A. Competing in a horse show? First place. Trying out a new hairstyle? Perfect on the first go. Playing a game? For sure winning. I can’t think of a time in my life where I did anything without the expectation of being the best. Not only that, but I can’t remember a time where I handled not being the best with grace.

Dissecting it further, being the best was my shield of armor. If I could just show everyone how good I am at things, then they will see just how worthy I am. But on the flip side of that was when I wasn’t the best, I felt wholly unworthy. Unworthy of love, unworthy of respect, and unworthy of success. My worth as a person was completely tied to my accomplishments, and underneath every action I took was the hope that this success would be the one that would finally make me feel worthy.

When your worth is tied to anything outside of you, you will never feel worthy.

My worth as a person has never changed. As a human being, born into this world, I am inherently worthy of anything and everything I desire, simply by being me. There’s no if’s, and’s, or but’s to that, it’s just the way it is. So why is that so hard to actually and truly believe?

Because it’s not my default.

I grew up with all of the evidence pointing to how unworthy I was. My parents divorced when I was 5, and though that’s not the reason I feel unworthy, it was the cause of every reason I did. After my parent’s divorce, my grandmother never let my dad forget how worthless he was for “failing” at marriage. In turn, my brother and I were also failures because we were raised by one. I wasn’t super feminine as a child, and that was another failure of mine. I was very anxious because I was constantly around energies of unworthiness, and that was also another failure for me. To my grandmother, who I was as a person wasn’t good enough for her. My mom started dating the actual devil because her self esteem was shot after the divorce. He is the laziest man, who never got a job and bled her money dry, while also terrorizing my brother and I for our entire childhoods. My brother left my mom’s house when I was 8, proving to me that I wasn’t worthy of his love. When I left my mom’s house, she chose this man over both of her children, further cementing how unworthy I truly was. It was like every turn I took, I was met with someone who either didn’t like me or didn’t care about me. I was met with feelings of unworthiness everywhere I turned for my entire childhood.

I expected that my successes in life would show everybody just how worthy I was. I mean, I didn’t think that in those exact words, that’s a more recent realization, but everything I did was to prove to everyone exactly how successful I can be. Unfortunately, my “success” was based off of everyone else’s expectations of success, and, no matter how successful I got in everyone’s eyes, it wasn’t enough for me. There was something missing, there just had to be something more.

I realize now, and in my journaling from this morning, that it’s my own expectations that have been holding me back. It’s not realistic for me to become the best of the best immediately, and it’s not serving me to give up before I even really try. It’s not realistic for me to always start something with the expectation that it’s the one, and it’s not serving me to shame myself when it’s not. 

What will serve me is to release my expectations and just fucking live. 

I started this blog with zero expectations of readers, and if no one ever reads it, I’m still happy. This is a place where I’m combining two things that make me happy, writing and exploring, and that’s good enough for me. 

Does that mean I’m not going to give it my all? No way.

Does it mean that I’m not taking this journey or this writing seriously? Nope.

It just means that I’m doing it for me, and with no ulterior motive. No hopes to make it big from a blog, no hopes to become a superstar, just enjoying it.

If you release your expectations, you’ll never be disappointed