Priorities

Priorities

I’m a big believer in spirituality, and spiritual laws of the universe, and I also love me some Deepak Chopra. I’m currently on my second read through of The Book of Secrets, which is basically the ten spiritual rules to living your best life. With reading this book, and applying the principles to my life, I’ve noticed that I’m not truly aware of where my energy has been flowing most of the time. I try to be mindful, I try to be aware, but yall, I’m human. I develop bad habits and get stuck in them. I make these habits such a seamless part of my routine that I’m on total autopilot. It isn’t until the action is done that I take a second to look around and wonder what the hell just happened. 

“Whatever I pay attention to will grow” is one of the things I believe to be true about life. I mean, it makes sense. Whatever you put your attention and energy towards, you’re going to make progress on. You’re going to learn more, you’re going to hone your skills, and you’re going to move that needle forward towards your goals. So it got me thinking: Is my energy going towards what I want to grow? And the answer is no.

I spend far too much time on social media. Which is not really all that surprising.

  1. I’m an online mindset coach. I literally market my business, find clients, and network with other coaches all online, specifically on social media.
  2. My other business ideas, including a guided journal and a clothing line, are also online based. For market research, future marketing, and even brand inspiration, I’m on social media. 
  3. I’m a millennial, man! Social media is kind of just what I do. I was growing up during the rise of Facebook, I saw Youtube grow to be the media source it is, and I watched Instagram start to outperform almost every other platform, social media is just part of my life at this point.

Social media is required for my businesses, but not in the way that I use it. Yes, I use it to market and connect, but I also use it to blindly scroll and just consume, consume, consume. It’s such a part of my day that I pick up my phone at the first break in conversation, I pick up my phone in the middle of a conversation, my first reaction in any situation really is to pick up my damn phone. It’s mindless, it’s not related to business, it’s not moving my needle forward, it’s just a bad habit. And it doesn’t even make me feel good! The more I scroll, the more I start to compare myself and my business to everyone else and the more anxious I feel. It’s a lose-lose honestly, and I’m not a fan of it.

In the past two weeks, I’ve been making a conscious effort to lessen my time on social media. Even with launching my current coaching program, which feels less than aligned right now anyways, I’ve been spending less and less time on Instagram and Facebook. The pages I’ve been spending my time on are those that emulate the life I want to live: the astrology pages and the women I view as my spiritual mentors. 

This is because my priorities have straight up changed.

For the first half of this year, I’ve been hyper focused on business. I’ve been pushing so hard to build a successful business so I can feel a sense of purpose and fulfillment. There’s been ups and downs, but I’ve always pushed through, and with pretty high levels of anxiety. All I’ve wanted is to find success so I could finally feel worthy, but the more I’ve pushed, the more I‘ve felt pushed away from my goal. Rather than take the time to explore why that is, I’ve brushed it off as fear and I’ve trucked through.

Here we are, nine months into 2020, and I feel a shift. Instead of making six figures in my business being a priority, my own exploration is my priority. Finding my purpose and finding clarity in my path is my priority. Understanding who I am and what I’m really searching for is my priority. Since my priorities have changed, so should my habits. 

This blog was created as the start to my changing habits. I don’t want to live as someone who lives vicariously through someone else on Instagram, I want to live myself. I gave myself something I enjoyed, writing, as an incentive to getting out and doing fun shit again. My growth and my enjoyment is my priority right now in life. And as I was floating on the Gulf of Mexico on a kayak with my dude, I recognized that I felt at total peace. I was flowing with the current, allowing the water to take me where it wanted. I wasn’t stressed, I wasn’t worried, I wasn’t scared, I was just being. That is what I want from life, to just be and experience. My habits, and priorities, are starting to reflect just that.

Scrolling social media isn’t serving me anymore, especially since the scrolling gives me anxiety and comparison-itis. I absolutely can still run a business on social media, I just have to set boundaries for myself. Rather than scroll for a few hours at night with the TV in the background, I can read, meditate, or do some journaling. I can’t just keep giving myself anxiety and procrastinating the things that are actually going to move my needle forward.

Wherever my attention goes, grows. My priorities aren’t to be a boss bitch in order to find some sense of worthiness anymore, my priorities are to grow and finally find my sense of worthiness and peace. And I’m not growing my anxiety or limiting beliefs, I’m growing my awareness, my inner peace, my compassion, and my joy. My actions are going to back that up, starting now.

No social media before 9 am or after 8 pm

Free time being spent on things that will benefit me or make me happy

Less time on pointless shit

More time on growth

Nothing changes unless I do first

When I say progress…

When I say progress…

I mean it.

This week, I actually have my car to tool around in. My dude is up North for the week, making his dreams come true, so I have the freedom to go where I please. Like most things, it wasn’t this simple: the car needs an oil change and the brake lights went out literally the day before he left. 

Right here, I had two options: I could sit and complain about how unfair my life is or I could stop complaining and do something about it. Much to my surprise, I chose option two.

Instead of complaining that nothing ever goes right, I took myself to AutoZone and bought the brake lights. I watched a five minute youtube video and then spent the next hour in the trunk of my car, yelling at the light bulbs for not coming out as easily as the video showed. I broke both of the old bulbs, got things stuck in sockets, formed a huge blister on my finger, and sweat through my shirt completely. You know what else I did? Changed the damn brake light bulbs myself. 

I don’t think you know, and I wouldn’t expect you to know, the gravity of that moment there. My expectations weren’t met and I changed the circumstance myself. For someone that loves to sit in the lack of personal responsibility realm, this is huge. So what did I do with my bright new brake lights yesterday? Went on a trip and never left my house.

Sometimes, you don’t need to physically go exploring to go on a trip. Sometimes, all you need is the right environment and the right tools. In the past two months, I’ve taken psychedelics three times. The first and last time I was alone, while the second time was in the presence of my amazing fiancé. Each has been profound in what has happened, and each one has been special. 

The first time, I overcame fear. I was alone in my apartment while my dude was up North two months ago and I had just shaved part of my head. I remember asking myself, “why stop there?” And off I went. It was a magical experience, one that I never expected I would have. I was always afraid of what would happen on psychedelics, I was always afraid that I would be the one with the bad trip and that I would regret the decision immediately. Turns out, none of that happened. What did happen was that I appreciated the playfulness of my life. Simple things, like the candle on my table or the painting on my wall, were interesting and fun. It was as though I was playing a game with my life and, for once, there was nothing there but the moment.

The second time, I deepened my relationship. That playfulness and fun of life came out again, and rather than stress about our current situation, we just talked. We talked about life, but not about our goals or ambitions, just about life. We sat outside for hours, enjoying the beauty that we take for granted on a daily basis. We listened to music and viewed it as a whole experience together. We felt the beauty of a fun and carefree life, even just for one day, together.

This time, I wasn’t sure what I was going to receive. I took it on a whim, wanting that beauty and appreciation to fall back into my life. With the psychedelics, I can truly release the stress and worry of my life and just love. There’s no fear, there’s no panic, there’s just pure love and appreciation. I spent time outside, I walked around my apartment complex, I stood on my patio, I sat on my couch with the dogs, I watched some classic TV (for me, at least. Hello Sister, Sister on Netflix!), but most importantly, I flowed. 

At one point, as I was watching TV, I wondered to myself if I was wasting my experience. I wondered if this wasn’t the best use of my current state, but then I realized that not everything needs a reason. There’s no need for me to sit in a contemplative state for hours to “make use” of my state, that’s just an illusion. Whereas every other trip has been about broadening and deepening, this one was very different. This one wasn’t about doing, it was about expectations and being.

Funny enough, the second I dropped the expectation that something profound needed to come from this moment, something did. As I sat there, finishing the journaling that I tried to start at a time that my words didn’t quite make sense, it all made sense. Everything I do is in “search” of something. I’m never ok with just being because I learned at a very young age that just being will always get me hurt. Without further elaboration, it was a holy shit moment, and a moment that illuminated what the purpose of this trip was.

The purpose was to show the importance of my being. I mentioned in my last post that connection may be my one thing to life, and I believe that even more strongly now. My connection to myself, my true self and the pure potentiality of my life, is the secret for me. The problem lies in that I realized I don’t actually believe that I am worthy. And that worthiness runs deep, I’m talking not worthy of just being, worthy of a life free of strain and struggle, and worthy of a life full of happiness, fulfillment, and love. That belief in myself just wasn’t there.

To connect to myself requires a few things. It requires the belief that I am worthy and enough, no matter what. It also requires that I free myself from expectations. These expectations include the ones society has placed on me, and the expectations I have knowingly and unknowingly put on myself. I must release all notion of time, being behind or late, and anxiety and worry. This is a moment where I have two choices: I can sit back and complain that life is so unfair to me that I have so much to change, or I can stop complaining and do something about it.

After seeing that I’m capable of much more than I originally thought (like who thought I could change some damn brake lights?? Not me), I’m choosing option two. This is different than any other choice that I have ever made in my life because it actually involves less doing and more being. 

I end this post just as I did the last “progress” post: I’m not there yet, but I feel so much closer.

Sometimes it’s the trips that never leave the house where you travel the most.

Progress

Over the weekend, some big shifts and realizations were made, y’all.

I went to the beach with my dude and my puppers on Saturday. I love taking my dogs to the beach, they just love the adventure and they so deserve a few hours of just fun, as a reward for sitting in the apartment the rest of the time. (I feel their pain there, ya know??) 

But, as fun as the beach is for the puppers, it tends to be very stressful for Craig and I when we take them. We love our dogs, and they are relatively well behaved, but any sense of training they’ve ever had goes straight out the window when they hit the beach. They pull, they jump, they whine, and they go absolutely nuts for other dogs. This is usually a pretty big problem because, hello, we’re at a dog beach.

This time, though, was different. There was some pulling and some barking and some whining, but they were pretty calm with the other dogs running around. My little beagle lady, Lilo, and I just sat in the shallow water near the shore, and watched Craig and the big boy, Bane, play in the water. 

As I was sitting there in the water, I wasn’t anxious or nervous. I wasn’t worried about other dogs running up and our dogs panicking. I wasn’t worried about my day to day life or any other struggles I’m having right now. I was just there. Sitting in the water, enjoying the hell out of the beautiful time I was spending with my father, and I was simply being.

The more I take myself out of my house and to other places, the easier I’m finding myself relaxing. The disconnect from stress and worry is becoming easier and easier, and the connection to the present moment is becoming easier too. As I sat down to meditate when we got back from the beach and cleaned up, I slipped right into a trance like state almost immediately, which is not normally the case. Usually, it’s a battle between myself and my mind, trying my hardest to calm my thoughts down, and my mind straight up saying no. I don’t always feel connected to myself or the universe right away in meditation, and sometimes I feel like I may be wasting my time. 

But not recently. 

Right now, I feel like I’m making progress. I feel like I’m understanding more and more what life is actually all about. I feel like I’m able to disconnect myself from the chaos of the world and connect to the world that’s inside me. 

And I think I understand what my one thing is: connection.

Unfortunately for me, just like with the brake light bulb replacement that ended up being so much harder than I thought, finding what my one thing is isn’t the end of the journey, it’s actually much harder than I thought.

When I say connection being my one thing, the rest of Curly’s saying “the meaning to life is one thing,” I mean that the meaning to my life is found in connection. 

In connecting down to the deepest depths of my being, I’ll find my one thing. 

In connecting to all beings from here to all corners of the earth, I’ll find my one thing.

In connecting to the wonders and wisdom of the universe and it’s mysticism, I’ll find my one thing.

So yes, I’ve made progress here. When I said out loud that my one thing was connection, and again when I just typed it out, I felt an energy course through my body. It was almost like the universe’s way of agreeing, and giving me the sensation that I’ve found the next step. It’s in these next steps that I’ll find what I’m ultimately looking for, in deepening my connection.

So that’s where my focus lies right now, in deepening all of my connections.

For myself, that means less TV and social media, and more awareness and exploring my depths. I get sucked into the world of Facebook and Instagram easily, and love to be entertained, which means the TV can be on for hours and hours. I know for a fact how detrimental multitasking can be for your awareness and overall stress and anxiety, but man if it isn’t easier that way. I allow myself to slip into habits where I do anything but listen to myself., which means TV in the background, scrolling through the social media on autopilot, and eating way too many treats.

In order to connect to myself, I must allow my inner voice and guidance space to be heard. Meditation and journaling are already in my routine, but I am recommitting to fully immersing myself in the experience of the two exercises, rather than just doing them to check off a box. 

I am also recommitting to reconnecting back to my physical body. I spent so many years of my life solely focusing on my physical body that, recently, it’s been the last thing I want to focus on. Unfortunately, I have been feeling the effects of too many months of “treat yo’self” coming back to haunt me. Reconnecting back to myself is not just mental and spiritual, but also physical. Nourishing my body with fruits and vegetables rather than treats, and moving my body out of love are two ways I am recommitting to my physical body.

For the world around me, that means looking into volunteering opportunities. It means less judgement and more acceptance. It means less complaining about circumstances around me, and more doing to actually fix them.

For the universe, it means focusing on the beauty in my life, rather than the worries and fears.

All fear does is disconnect you from the present. Fear swoops you out of the current moment and into the pain of the future that you have yet to experience. Fear scoops you from the present and transports you back to the pain of the present that you have already experienced. None of this matters. 

All that matters is right here and right now, and it is beautiful.

Expectations

Expectations

My morning routine is my favorite time of day for me. Every aspect of it is relaxing, I feel centered AF when I’m done, and, if we’re being super real, I wish it could go on forever. My routine always consists of:

  • a full French press of coffee (currently transitioning to more decaf because the jitters have been real lately)
  • Check my horoscope (on the millions, aka 4, apps I’m currently using)
  • At least one chapter of whatever book I’m on (always personal development or spirituality type stuff)
  • Meditation (this one I’m not hella great with, I’m most creative in the morning, so my mind is going about fifty miles a minute, but at least I’m trying)
  • Journaling (usually inspired by something I read or saw in my horoscope)

And it was my journal prompt of today that inspired this post.

In my scrolling of instagram last night, I came across a post that had four journal prompts written in it and decided to give them a shot. I’m not very picky when it comes to journal prompts, if they catch my attention, I’m going to answer them, simple as that. These prompts started out pretty harmless, with what are you still holding on to?, I can feel safe by:, I dream of:, and what are the three biggest fears that are holding you back right now?

It was the last one that got me.

I’m usually pretty good at journaling, but sometimes I almost feel like my brain knows exactly what to say so I don’t actually dig too deep. It’s like I’m allowed to dig just deep enough that I can feel like I’ve made a bit of progress, but not deep enough to truly uncover anything. This time really felt no different. My first two fears were easy to come up with: I’m constantly afraid that I don’t have enough financially, and currently, I’m afraid I’m never going to find the clarity in my path that I’m searching for. That third fear took some thinking, but then it came out: I’m afraid I’m going to be forever disappointing myself.

The way I said it was what really hit me: disappointing myself. 

Rather than giving myself grace and compassion as I’m searching for what will truly make me happy and fulfilled in life, I’m viewing myself as a disappointment for not having it figured out already. Instead of actually believing that I’m worthy of taking the time and effort to figure out my true path, I’m upset with myself that it’s taken so long. But why? Where is this coming from? And I started writing.

Very quickly, the reason popped itself onto my page: expectations.

I expected that I would have my life figured out by now. I didn’t expect that I would be sitting here at 27, feeling just as lost as I was. At 21, watching my family members and friends buy houses, build business, and start families. The thing is, my path isn’t bad. I expect other people in their 20’s to take the time to figure out their lives. I expect other people to use this time that they have to experiment and find out what truly works for them. I didn’t expect to not feel that way about myself.

All throughout my life, I’ve had the highest of expectations for everything. Taking a test? Getting an A. Competing in a horse show? First place. Trying out a new hairstyle? Perfect on the first go. Playing a game? For sure winning. I can’t think of a time in my life where I did anything without the expectation of being the best. Not only that, but I can’t remember a time where I handled not being the best with grace.

Dissecting it further, being the best was my shield of armor. If I could just show everyone how good I am at things, then they will see just how worthy I am. But on the flip side of that was when I wasn’t the best, I felt wholly unworthy. Unworthy of love, unworthy of respect, and unworthy of success. My worth as a person was completely tied to my accomplishments, and underneath every action I took was the hope that this success would be the one that would finally make me feel worthy.

When your worth is tied to anything outside of you, you will never feel worthy.

My worth as a person has never changed. As a human being, born into this world, I am inherently worthy of anything and everything I desire, simply by being me. There’s no if’s, and’s, or but’s to that, it’s just the way it is. So why is that so hard to actually and truly believe?

Because it’s not my default.

I grew up with all of the evidence pointing to how unworthy I was. My parents divorced when I was 5, and though that’s not the reason I feel unworthy, it was the cause of every reason I did. After my parent’s divorce, my grandmother never let my dad forget how worthless he was for “failing” at marriage. In turn, my brother and I were also failures because we were raised by one. I wasn’t super feminine as a child, and that was another failure of mine. I was very anxious because I was constantly around energies of unworthiness, and that was also another failure for me. To my grandmother, who I was as a person wasn’t good enough for her. My mom started dating the actual devil because her self esteem was shot after the divorce. He is the laziest man, who never got a job and bled her money dry, while also terrorizing my brother and I for our entire childhoods. My brother left my mom’s house when I was 8, proving to me that I wasn’t worthy of his love. When I left my mom’s house, she chose this man over both of her children, further cementing how unworthy I truly was. It was like every turn I took, I was met with someone who either didn’t like me or didn’t care about me. I was met with feelings of unworthiness everywhere I turned for my entire childhood.

I expected that my successes in life would show everybody just how worthy I was. I mean, I didn’t think that in those exact words, that’s a more recent realization, but everything I did was to prove to everyone exactly how successful I can be. Unfortunately, my “success” was based off of everyone else’s expectations of success, and, no matter how successful I got in everyone’s eyes, it wasn’t enough for me. There was something missing, there just had to be something more.

I realize now, and in my journaling from this morning, that it’s my own expectations that have been holding me back. It’s not realistic for me to become the best of the best immediately, and it’s not serving me to give up before I even really try. It’s not realistic for me to always start something with the expectation that it’s the one, and it’s not serving me to shame myself when it’s not. 

What will serve me is to release my expectations and just fucking live. 

I started this blog with zero expectations of readers, and if no one ever reads it, I’m still happy. This is a place where I’m combining two things that make me happy, writing and exploring, and that’s good enough for me. 

Does that mean I’m not going to give it my all? No way.

Does it mean that I’m not taking this journey or this writing seriously? Nope.

It just means that I’m doing it for me, and with no ulterior motive. No hopes to make it big from a blog, no hopes to become a superstar, just enjoying it.

If you release your expectations, you’ll never be disappointed

Let’s Talk About Fear

Let’s Talk About Fear

Speaking with total honesty, it’s been the only thing on my mind the past year of my life. In the past year, I have taken more risks and pushed past my comfort zone more times than I ever have in my life. I have invested heavily in myself and my development, started a new business, embraced my spiritual nature, and started to build a life that is so amazing that it scares the absolute shit out of me. 

Isn’t that funny? Everything I’ve ever wanted, including a thriving business that helps women improve their confidence and stop settling, financial abundance and stability, and all around not stressing about survival, is nothing short of terrifying. 

And why? Because this is completely uncharted territory.

Honestly, for most of my life, I have been scared of everything. And my favorite way to describe myself pre personal development junkie is this:

When the going got tough, Molly got going.

At the first sign of any struggle or challenge, my first instinct was to run. And that’s what I did. I left behind my childhood passion of horseback riding when confronted with conflict and stress of growing competition. It didn’t stop with horseback riding. I stopped exploring the woods behind my house after watching one too many scary movies. I stopped trying new things from the fear of not being good enough. I gave up anytime there was struggle, I shied away from any sort of conflict or stress, I didn’t even give myself a fighting chance to succeed at anything because I was never willing to risk a fight. I stopped living my life out of fear.

In the past year, from age 27 to almost 28, I have pushed past more fear than I ever have in my life. The more I push past that fear, the more fear rears its ugly head at me. But the more I push past my fear, the more I want to keep pushing. Right now, I feel as though I’m at a crossroads with my fear.

Unlike when I was a kid, I understand fear now. Part of my job as a mindset coach is to guide my women through understanding their fear, and show them that it isn’t really real. Fear is nothing more than your mind trying to keep you safe. Unfortunately for us human beings, our minds don’t understand the difference between real danger and “all in your mind” danger. It doesn’t matter the circumstance, anything that scares you rings all of the alarm bells in your mind. When those bells ring, your mind starts to create doom and gloom scenarios galore. All of the worrying, all of the panic, all of the ways possible for your mind to talk you out of doing the thing. It doesn’t matter if it’s the best thing you could ever do, your mind wants none of this risk.

So now that we all understand fear, it drives me absolutely nuts that my fear still affects me, even after all I know and all of the progress I’ve made. Where I’m at my crossroads is in my life path. I know that my life path and purpose is to help people, that’s never been a question. I love helping people, and I love watching women that I have helped embrace their dreams and grow into their true selves. There’s nothing like seeing yourself make a difference in other’s lives. 

But something feels off about what I’m doing. And I can’t tell if it’s from the fear that my business is growing and that fear of success sneaking in, like something inside of me is telling me that my life will explode if I gain some sort of abundance, or if it’s because something isn’t right about what I’m doing.

I know for a fact that fear is the reason I stopped exploring and stopped living my life, and that’s why this blog is a thing. 

I know for a fact that I want adventure and that there’s more out there for me. 

I know for a fact that I love to help people.

I know for a fact that I feel like I have no clue what I’m meant to be doing.

I know for a fact that that fact above scares the shit out of me.

I know for a fact that in that fear and uncertainty is where I’m going to learn the most about myself and my purpose.

I know for a fact that my fear is here to help me.

I know for a fact that on the other side of my fear is everything I desire.

I’m ready to push past my fear and find what I’m looking for.